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Monday, August 14, 2017

In the Wee Hours of the Night (working title: Blogger Unleashes Sarcasm)

This post feels a little like hanging out my sarcastic dirty laundry.  
My "AHAH" moment

I had a revelation yesterday while listening to NPR.  The revelation came to me following two news reports that together, made me confident that I knew what the Leader of the Free World is doing during those long nights awake and alone in the White House.  

While other people are asleep, he is awake, (at the WH or at one of his golf courses, or at Mar a Lago—but rarely in his gold filigreed New York penthouse-showroom where his wife and young son live) and now I know what he is doing there, all alone, in the dark. 
He said 'Draconian?' Really?

The two news stories contained audio statements made by the Donald and were essentially words like these:  “If he (Kim Jong Un) continues to utter these threats, like those he has uttered before, and has been uttering for some time…….”  In the second audio story on NPR, the Commander-in-Chief is saying something like this: “If he (Kim Jong Un) continues to use this draconian language, he will be very very sorry, very fast. Sorrier than anyone in the world has ever been.”  It’s obvious, isn’t it?  He Who Likes to Hear Himself Speak is exploring the world of Instructive Phone Apps!!

Disney World is close
 to Mar a Lago. "Golf and
Mickey.  Now that's a great
weekend." quote attributed
to DT
Picture this--it’s 3 AM. He has posted his latest impromptu, reactionary, presidential-ish decision on Twitter for the entire country, nay…the entire WORLD to read, and he is primed for further phone action. Of course! It makes perfect sense. The phone is already in his hand. His fingers are twitchy from tweeting. The App store is there staring at him, taunting him.  ‘Come on in and browse Big Boy….you know you want to….’ And there, within the privacy of the White House, by his own perfectly manicured fingers he comes across something useful and fun.  
"When you're famous, you can do anything you want to them." DT
 To statues, yes.

You see, he may be able to admit (to himself alone) that he has at least a few things to learn about presidenting. After all, it was only recently that he discovered that his new job is harder than he thought it would be. Awwww. So sad. 
"We are closing the door to countries
that breed terrorists." DT

"There will no doubt, be statues
of me after my presidency. I'll probably
go down in history as one of the best,
maybe THE best president this
 country has ever had."
quote attributed to DT 
Not that he could or would ever submit to the humiliation of openly learning from or consulting with his military generals, his diplomatic staff or his Cabinet, all of whom will at some point prove themselves to be “disappointing” to the Tiny Fingered Leader.  Even his favorite henchman, the White Supremacist Extraordinaire is not in a position to advise the Bombastic Boob.  But the App store is so anonymous. “Nobody will ever know,” he says to himself. 
"We will build a BIG wall, the BIGGEST.  It will be beautiful!.
And best of all, Mexico will pay for it."  DT  Lie # 178.

Allow me to explain the basis of my revelation.  We have all heard the Orange One’s off-the-cuff pompous remarks.  His favorite adjectives have always been: the Biggest, the Best, the Most _____ Ever.  

His favorite verbs are “to See” as in “You will see me bring the jobs back to coal country; “to Hear” as in “when I hear that Congress has failed yet again to destroy ObamaCare as they promised;” and “to Tell” or “to Say” as in “I’m telling you right now, nobody has ever stood up for America like I do” 
"This is a nice statue.  I can see it from my
NY penthouse." attributed to DT

And “As I said to Putin, thank you for helping us trim our budget by sending our diplomats home from Russia.”  Now, compare those standard favorites with the underlined words in the first paragraph.  It’s obvious, isn't it?  The Drumpf has been spending time with one of those “Learn One New Word a Day”  phone apps! 
Small reminders needed at time in WH

Clearly, the newest occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has investigated both the “Golden New Verbs” unit and the “Silver New Adjectives” unit of the Learn One New Word a Day” app. Just look at how he takes this opportunity to practice his conjugations; “If he (Kim Jong Un) continues to utter these threats, like those he has uttered before, and has been uttering for some time….” 
Putin’s Most Avid Admirer has learned  a New Verb — “to Utter.”  I utter, you utter, he utters, they utter, we utter….”  (He has not yet tackled the present, past and future perfect conjugations—is uttering, will have uttered and would have been uttering.  These will follow in a much later more advanced chapter, no doubt.)  
Jax is not impressed by the Prez' belated condemnation of
racial hatred and violence in Charlottesville.

And take a look at this—Mr. Twitchy Fingers has added the adjective, “draconian” to his lexicon.  To be perfectly honest, I am a little bit impressed.  Perhaps he is picking up new and useful adjectives from his young speech writer?  

"If they want to put me on a pedestal,
that's okay.  Most people admire me
andmy successful life. I'm a smart
guy."  Lie #311  quote attributed to DT
Maybe our very own Internationally Known Narcissist has started using a dictionary (on his phone, of course) for the definitions of words that he doesn’t know—words that are contained within the speeches written for him?  He could sorely use additional descriptors in his vocabulary--there is no question about that. 
"Why are these short people covering their
heads? What are they hiding?  People that
look 'different' make me nervous."quote
attributed to DT

Some months ago he seemed to be limited to only a few adjectives,  Bad hombre.”  Biggest crowds ever” and “some of them (Mexicans) I’m sure are perfectly nice people” The addition of new words to the Man Baby’s vocabulary is to be applauded.  I know he doesn’t read my blog (or really much of anything written) so my revelation will probably remain safely beneath his radar.  I would much rather have He Who Has His Finger on the Big Red Button busy learning new words than anything else he might be conjuring up in the wee hours of the night.
"When I sleep, I have these dreams that people
 don't like me." quote attributed to DT

Further, I have in mind an app that I’d like to see designed just for His Lowness. The game’s adversary is a crabby, power-hungry, paranoid, willing-to-sacrifice-anything-to-win, chubby bear with a bad haircut, that lobs bombs in the direction of the player and the player’s countrymen. The player has to decide which of the actions available to him will avoid tragic global destruction. 
"Oh, alright.  The statues of me could be this
big." quote attributed to DT

The player may 1) poke the bear with a sharp stick, which you and I can foresee will only serve to piss off the bear, or 2) yell insults to the bear which visibly cling to the bear’s thick coat like a noisy swarm of wasps, or 3) the player can choose someone else (for example, someone who knows how to handle angry bears) to take the lead in calming the bear.  An unlikely outcome, I’m afraid. Allowing someone else to be the center of attention is just not palatable to our Limelight Loving Nighttime App Explorer.

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